Break
by loveadubdub
Summary: Brittany was supposed to come to her after she and Artie broke up.  She wasn't supposed to suddenly decide to go all Destiny's Child circa 2001 and go all Independent Woman.


**BREAK**

…

It's not as easy as she thought it would be.

Brittany was supposed to come to _her _after she and Artie broke up. She wasn't supposed suddenly decide to go all Destiny's Child circa 2001 and go all Independent Woman. Fuck that. Brittany's not supposed to be the Independent Woman type. She's supposed to be needy and dependent and fucking _need _somebody.

She's supposed to need _Santana._

But whatever. If she wants to act like some kind of poster child for feminism, then fuck it. It won't last that long. Brittany's attention span is like less than a fly's, so it won't be long before she'll be looking for somebody to entertain her. But waiting for that is getting really fucking old.

And it doesn't really help that Artie's there waiting in the wings with all kinds of public serenades and the most fucked up rag tag back up band of losers in the school.

Fucking Artie.

…

Another thing that's not supposed to happen is _liking _Karofsky.

She's known that jackass since sixth grade, and he's always pretty much been a pompous asshole. And not even the good time. He's just a _jerk. _Or at least he always _has _been...

But it's fucked up because he's not even. He's actually kind of cool. And when he's not throwing slushies in people's faces, she actually thinks he's pretty funny. It kind of surprises her that they end up getting along so well, but then it kind of doesn't because... well, they're kind of pretty much exactly alike.

And when he wins prom king, she thinks it's just gonna be awesome because prom queen is totally at the top of her agenda right now. Then it all goes to hell, and she ends up crying in a classroom with Brittany. And Brittany tells her some bullshit about being herself and a bunch of other crap that sounds really good in the moment but basically means _shit _in the long-run when she doesn't even _like _herself.

And the next thing she knows, Karofsky's leaving and stranding her without a ride. Like the night couldn't get any fucking worse. So she hitches a ride with Kurt and Blaine and texts her douchebag date to let him know that he's in fucking hot shit. The queen and his king drop her off outside her own king's house, and she rings the doorbell for like five minutes before he finally yanks it open and glares at her.

"Put some clothes on," she demands the second they're face to face. He's in pajama pants and looks like he's going to bed at midnight on _prom night. _Loser.

"What do you want?"

"You fucking _ditched _me," she says hatefully. "And instead of killing you, I'm giving you a chance to redeem yourself, so consider yourself lucky. Now put some clothes on and take me to a damn after-party."

He looks like he wants to argue or cuss her out or something, but he doesn't. He just rolls his eyes and motions for her to come in while he goes to his room and comes back down in some real clothes.

He takes her to a party at some football player's house. She doesn't even know which one, and she doesn't care. It's free alcohol, and it's way better than going home. There are basically a ton of people here, and no one even pays attention when they stroll in and head for the keg. Half the people here are already halfway out of their prom clothes, and the other half look like they're trying to hold onto their looks for as long as possible. Santana loves her dress, but she doesn't really give a shit about how she looks right now. She's glad she packed some flip-flops, though, because her prom shoes were _painful._

She sits on Karofsky's lap, and they drink beer and kind of talk shit about everyone they see. He seems like he's in a better mood, probably because of the alcohol, and she forgives him for being a total dick of a date when she's on her third cup. It's fun, and she thinks they could be legitimate friends maybe. Like if she was looking for new friends or something, which she definitely isn't.

When she gets home, it's almost 5 AM, and they're both pretty drunk. He shouldn't be driving, and she shouldn't be letting him. But whatever. She's too drunk to care. He drops her off at her house, and she kisses him because it seems like the right thing to do right then. It lasts for like five seconds, and then she opens the door and stumbles up her driveway.

She throws up three times before she finally goes to bed.

…

Google is kind of her best friend these days.

She's still not sold on the whole lesbian thing, so she spends a lot of time on the Internet researching to see if it could seriously just be a phase or something. She doesn't know if she _wants _it to be a phase, but she knows she doesn't want to _feel _like this.

She reads about coming out and a bunch of other bullshit that just seems like a disaster waiting to happen. She doesn't want people to know. Like part of her wants to tell _everyone, _but she's way too scared for that. People have been treating her like shit ever since that stupid article in the school newspaper that said she played for the other team. They whisper behind her back, and some fat bitch in the cafeteria actually had the nerve to call her a dyke. And that cunt is just lucky that Coach Bieste walked by right at the same time or else she'd be in a hospital somewhere.

But whatever.

She doesn't _want _this kind of shit to keep happening. She doesn't _want _to be called a dyke or whatever else other stupid names the idiots at this school can come up with. She wants people to still be scared of her and call her a bitch with some kind of level of respect.

If people find out that she's gay- if she _admits _it- she might as well just walk around with a huge red L on her tit because that's how she'll be treated.

And she's so not ready for that.

…

Brittany grabs her after glee one day and asks if she wants to hang out. Obviously she says yes, and they end up eating frozen yogurt straight out of the container and watching Dancing with the Stars on the big screen in Santana's basement.

It feels totally normal and cool, and it sucks because this _isn't _normal and cool anymore. She and Brittany don't just hang out like this now. They haven't in a couple of months. They used to be best friends, and now they're like friends who love each other one day and don't talk for the next three but never actually _hang out. _So this almost hurts.

"Did you know Mr. Schue wears lacy panties?"

Santana practically chokes on her spoon when she looks over and sees that Britt is, of course, being totally serious.

"I asked him. And he didn't answer, so obviously that means yes. Do you think they're red?"

Santana laughs and jams her spoon back into the yogurt. "They're probably black."

And Brittany nods. "Yeah, probably."

They joke around a little bit, and then they stop talking. They get caught up in the show, but during one commercial break, Santana can't help herself. "So what's going on with you and Artie?"

Brittany shrugs. "He called me stupid. I mean, I know I am, but he still shouldn't have done that."

"You're not stupid, Brittany." She smiles when she sees that little light behind Britt's eyes. And Brittany's _not _stupid. She's just gullible. And she sees things differently. But she's not stupid.

"Are we still best friends?"

Santana nods, and Brittany leans over the mostly melted carton of yogurt and hugs her. It's kind of the best she's felt in weeks.

…

Two days later, she gets a blueberry slushie thrown in her face.

She wants to blame it on glee. It's the easiest excuse. But she's standing there with Tina and Mike and Puck, and she's the only one who gets hit. So it's probably not about glee.

Tina goes to the bathroom with her, and she really, _really _doesn't want to fucking cry, but _shit. _

"Do you have any extra clothes?"

"No." She wipes her face with a paper towel and then throws it into the trash with enough force to like take somebody's eye out. "I didn't know I was gonna turn into fucking _Smurfette _before lunch!"

"I think Rachel always keeps extra stuff in her locker..."

Santana rolls her eyes and glares. "I would rather walk around naked than wear something that belongs to that troll."

She can tell by the look on Tina's face that she's thinking something like _beggars can't be choosers, _but fuck that because she's _not _begging. She really will walk around this school naked. And then when she gets sent home, she'll get her dad to come up here and raise hell because she was bullied so badly that her freaking clothes were ruined and she had no other choice.

And it all sounds really fucking good in her head until she remembers that her dad doesn't give a shit about anything she does or anything that happens to her. So... fuck him, too.

She scrubs at a giant blue stain on the front of her shirt and tries really hard to stop the tears that are like seriously _racking _her body. She's not even that upset, she's just _pissed. _

"Fuck this," she drops the paper towel she's currently holding on the floor. "I'm leaving."

She hears Tina mumble something about a biology test, but she doesn't give a shit. She just needs to get out of that place like _now._

…

She's watching _Romeo + Juliet_ on TBS when her mom yells up the stairs that she has a visitor.

She expects it to be Brittany or maybe... well, Brittany's the only person who ever comes over. Puck comes over sometimes, but he has to do it when her parents aren't home because they hate him. Other than that, it's not like she's got a shit-ton of friends or anything. So she's kind of surprised when Karofsky shows up at her bedroom door looking nervous as fuck for some reason.

"What are you doing here?" It's the most logical question, and she doesn't even care when he seems like he might be halfway offended or something.

"I kicked his ass."

"Who?"

"Fucking McClaine." He invites himself into her room and sits down on the bed. "He should know better."

"Oh, so he throws a slushie at my face, and you kick his ass. What about the one you fucking threw at me two months ago, dickweed?"

She wants to literally force her foot out and kick him off the bed, but she's probably not strong enough.

He kind of scowls or something, and then he shakes his head. "Look. I'm sorry about that shit, okay?"

She just shrugs.

"All this crap... It's just weird, okay?"

Anybody else might be confused by his cryptic statement, but she gets it. She knows it's weird. She knows he doesn't want to be gay anymore than she does, so maybe that's why she gives him a pass on his asshole behavior. Fuck, that's why she gives herself one.

It _is _weird.

"We should have sex." She just puts it right out there and doesn't even blink at the WTF look he gives her.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You should fuck me. Maybe... I don't fucking know. Maybe something."

Maybe something. That's like the most nonsensical thing she's ever heard (and hell, she's spent enough time around Brittany to _know _when something's nonsensical). But whatever. If she can understand his half-statements, he should be able to get hers.

Karofsky looks like hella nervous, and she wants to smack him or something for no apparent reason. "I don't... I mean..."

"What?" she snaps, cutting him off from his ridiculous slow person stuttering. "It's not like you've never fucked a girl before. If you could do it before, you can do it now. And maybe something will happen or something."

But then she sees the look on his face, and...

"Jesus fucking Christ."

She's not interested in taking anyone else's virginity. The last two times she did that, she ended up with Finn and Sam, and just _no. _It's like honestly _shocking _to her how many people are still virgins. She never thinks about it because she's been doing that shit since eighth grade, and it just seems like everyone should have been doing it, too. So it's fucking weird to her when people haven't.

"Whatever," she snaps, and she doesn't care that he actually looks _scared _of her. "I'm gonna blow you. And don't you dare fucking think about anyone else, either," she warns. "Keep your eyes open."

She is more than aware of the fact that the whole thing's just _weird. _But she needs to conduct this experiment. She just needs to know if anything will change. She hasn't gotten any since Sam, and that was basically like the worst ever anyway, so maybe she just needs a reboot. Maybe something'll snap in her and make her normal again.

She sucks his dick for like ten minutes before he even gets hard. And by that time, she doesn't even give a shit that he's got his eyes closed. She just wants to get it over with. She lets him come straight down her throat, and when she's wiping her mouth while he buttons his fly, she doesn't even bother asking who he was picturing. It doesn't matter.

It didn't work like at all.

…

"Mom... Dad... I'm gay."

It sounds like some stupid fucking joke. Like it doesn't even sound _serious. _No matter how many different ways she tries to phrase it, it all sounds like some dumbass prank that cannot in any way be _real. _And when she looks at her reflection in the mirror, she seriously wonders if she's just made this whole thing up in her head.

But she hasn't. She's fucking _tried _to make it not real, and it just is.

So she needs to tell her parents. Because if they hear the rumors or somebody else tells them or something... it'll just be bad. It's gonna be bad anyway, but it'll be worse.

She tries to imagine their reactions. Her dad probably won't say a goddamn word- he'll just stare at her with that look of total disappointment he reserves specifically for her. Her mom will probably cry. Then she'll drag her to church. No, first she'll probably slap her. Then she'll drag her to mass. Then she'll cry. That's what she did when she first found out Santana was having sex. It'll be the same thing- only this time instead of asking for the return of her innocence, she'll be trying to pray the gay away.

Fuck that. Santana's tried- shit doesn't work.

…

Brittany comes up to her locker before last period and just kind of stares at her.

It starts getting really uncomfortable, so Santana's finally just like, "What do you want?"

"Why did you tell me it wasn't cheating?"

And okay, _what? _She reaches into her locker and keeps her eyes on Brittany the whole time. She doesn't even know what this is about, but if she's being honest, she can probably guess. Still. What the crap?

"What are you talking about?"

"You told me it wasn't cheating. I cheated on Artie like the whole time, and you told me I wasn't."

"It's _not _cheating." Santana feels like she's had this conversation a million freaking times, probably because she has. "I'm a girl."

"You're a lesbian."

She shuts the locker. Loudly. "Shut up," she says seriously, looking around to see who's within hearing distance.

"How could you do this to me?" Brittany really sounds like she's hurt, and it's basically the worst thing ever. But she needs to keep her fucking voice down because _damn. _"I didn't want to cheat on him."

"Oh, my god, Brittany." And she rolls her eyes because she can't even help it. "Stop it."

"It _is _cheating. It is because you're a lesbian, and you're trying to turn me into one, too."

Santana just stares at her. Like honestly, she _cannot _think of anything to say to that. It's like her brain just completely shorts out or something.

"I should have listened to Artie. He told me you were lying to me."

"Fuck Artie," she spits out hatefully, and it's like her brain suddenly snaps back on. "I'm not trying to turn you into _shit. _It's not my problem if you don't even know what the hell you are."

"At least I'm not _lying."_

"No, you're just too fucking stupid to know the difference!"

And Brittany's eyes tear up almost instantly. Santana wants to feel bad. Like she really, really does. But she just can't.

She just... can't.

…

She spends her last class in the nurse's office.

It's not even a lie when she says that she's sick. Her stomach is in knots, and she doesn't really think she can sit at her desk for the next fifty minutes without literally puking all over the floor. So she asks for a bed, and the nurse just kind of motions her into the sick room.

She's not at all, like even one tiny bit, surprised to find Puck already there.

"Wake up, jackass." She kicks the bottom of his cot, and one eye opens as he looks at her.

"I'm trying to sleep," he mumbles. "Fuck you."

"I'm gay."

She has no idea why she says it, but she just feels like it. She just wants to hear it out loud somewhere that's _not _just in front of her mirror. She wants to _tell _someone.

And Puck just says, "Duh."

She doesn't know whether to be surprised that he already knows. The rumors are definitely out there, but she hasn't confirmed them to anyone besides Brittany and Karofsky. So she doesn't really know what people believe and what they just write off as gossip.

Still. Maybe it's better if people just assume. Maybe she doesn't have to do the whole _coming out _thing after all.

"I made Brittany cry."

Puck doesn't seem like he gives a shit, which isn't a shock. He doesn't give a shit about a lot of stuff, so it's kind of expected. "Just tell her that a unicorn dies every time a tear hits the floor or something, and she'll stop."

She wants to be pissed that he's acting like Britt's some kind of dumbass or something, but she's mad at her. So she just sits down on the other cot and tries to make herself calm down. It doesn't work.

…

She spends two hours in Puck's truck smoking a shit-ton of weed.

He's always got a good stash, but it's like he hit the pot lottery or something because this shit? _Amazing. _They're in the Walmart parking lot because it's crowded enough that nobody will notice them or pay attention. He's got the window just like _barely _cracked, so they're basically like getting it double or something. She doesn't know.

She just knows that the sun is really, _really _bright.

"You know what would be awesome?" Puck's got his head leaned back against the headrest, and she's turned completely sideways so that she's leaning against the passenger door and has her feet in his lap. "Like if the ceiling wasn't there and we could just like see the whole sky."

She looks up at the top of his truck. The padding's coming out in spots, but she can almost totally visualize what he's talking about. It's crazy.

"But it wouldn't like _rain _on us or anything. It'd be like... a clear ceiling or something."

"Like a window?"

He looks at her like she's crazy. "No."

"Oh." She seriously cannot believe how good this shit is. It's like for real the best she's ever had. "Do you think I'm a freak?"

She doesn't have to explain why she's asking. If she's a freak because she likes girls. Or... wow. She has no idea where her head is going right now.

"I think you're a bitch."

"Because I'm a lesbian?"

"No, because you're a raging cunt."

"Oh. But you don't think I'm weird?"

"No."

There's like probably sixteen hours of silence or something, and they just sit there and pass a joint back and forth lazily.

And then Puck says, "Fuck, look how big my elbow is."

…

_I'm sorry._

Brittany doesn't ever check her email unless somebody tells her to. Santana feels like it'd probably be weird to text her and say _hey, check your email _just for a two word apology. But she doesn't know what else to say.

There's a part of her that's seriously pissed at Brittany for saying that shit- that she's trying to _turn _her into a lesbian. Like Santana even wants to be a lesbian her damn self! But fuck, it is what it is. And Brittany's never been too against the whole thing. It's not like she's ever held a gun to her head and said _cheat on your boyfriend or I'll pull the trigger._

Mostly, she just doesn't _get _it.

She doesn't understand why Brittany acts like Artie's so damn important or something. He's just some boy. It's not even like he can be fucking her that good or anything because, well, _obviously. _So she doesn't understand what the big damn deal is and why Britt's so caught up in him. He doesn't _deserve _Brittany. He doesn't even fucking _know _her.

Santana's the one who's always been there taking care of Brittany. Ever since forever. _She's _the one who's been there with her through everything. Not Artie. He shouldn't just get to show up out of nowhere and take away everything that's supposed to be hers. It's not fair. It's not fucking _fair._

She sends the email but not the text. Maybe she'll get it anyway.

…


End file.
